God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.


We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.


When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.


There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.


[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.


I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter


My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”