God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
inventing words: clothing
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Anime is real
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
This made me smile…
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.