Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Butt weight. There’s more!

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Succinctly put.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.