Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.