Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.