god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
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i wonder why they stopped looking
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Everyone’s family
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?