God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
hackers play passwordle
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie