Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
You Might Also Like
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.