Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee