[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Strangers have the best candy.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids