[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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Me: Same
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
🤣could you imagine
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal