[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
