Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

how much does a mortician urn in a year

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:

1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.

2 – Says hello to the cat.

3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”