[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Wise advice
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?