[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens