[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Children of the Corn Man
