[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.