Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

White parent Vs Arab parents

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

This headline is a thing of beauty

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship