Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

this is the news I live for

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.