[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
And bowling should be called pinball
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE