Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it