[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
A choir of Spring onions
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!