Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough