Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor