Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’