Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?