Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

❤️❤️❤️

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.