Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.