Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.