Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility