Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Pretty much! 😂👀

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

I self medicate, therefore you live.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no