God making man in his image was the original selfie
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR