Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.