God making man in his image was the original selfie
You Might Also Like
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/