God making man in his image was the original selfie
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Yup
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels