Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Unexpected Judgment

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

okay run it by me one more time

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!