Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Autocorrect completely socks

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!