[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.