Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.