Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.