[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
