Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.