Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Dumplings,

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.