Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

LA today:

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.