Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

Comparing yourself to others

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

We will use anything but the metric system

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”