God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
just pretend nothing happened
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.