Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.