Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.