God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.