God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
How do you like your Corgi?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Already got one
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Confused owl: What?!
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed