God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
so much to do
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
#DesignFail
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
