Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Said the murderer.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.