Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you wanna fight?!

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.