Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*