god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
my mind
You just read my mind
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone