god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
