*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected
You Might Also Like
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.