Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.