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@drinksmcgee

*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@fro_vo

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@bromanconsul

met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen

@sgrstk

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

@eggnook

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

@yobrah_

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth