God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
🤣dope
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.