God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
No, I don’t think I will.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Pretty much! 😂👀
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT