God must have really liked saturn

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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?


“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess


INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.


Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.


The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.


*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?


So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.


Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me: here, take the eggs too


*hires skywriter*



“The dub isn’t that bad, try it you’ll like it”

The dub: