Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no