God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Any refunds available?…
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.