God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Mouse
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.