Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it