[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Creative Problem Solving
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages