[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Sheep
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.