Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.