Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good advice.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Midwest trash talk

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card