Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

I really had high hopes for this year though

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.