god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
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Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Godspeed, John Glenn
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.