god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
The days of good grammer has went
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.