Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet