god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
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Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
