Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

This billboard speaks to me

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

“HELP WITH CAT”

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

So sick of all these stupid rules

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”