Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

How animals would run if they were human

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.