Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Brands during Pride

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio