Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

cause of death:
autopsy.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil