Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

why isn’t thunder called soundning

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.