Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.